Hermoine's Crazy Dreams
by mrsThewlisRadcliffe
Summary: Hermoine has been having pretty wild dreams. As the nights go on they get worse and worse. But why do all of them end up ending with a sedustic very sexy Hogwarts resident? Plus; JK Rowling comes to Hogwarts! CH8 is up!
1. Silly Game

Author's Note: Hey everyone! Thanx 4 checking out my fanfic, I would like it if you left reviews, even if you just put (good) or something short, it would mean lots 2 me! If you want you can check out my other fanfic: Epiphany. Thank you and enjoy I promise to update every copule of days. The story is rated R for later chapters...if you know what I mean. (wink)

Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine but are property of my idol JK Rowling

Chapter 1: Silly Game

Hermione was on her way to Hogwarts for the big reunion party. She couldn't wait to see all her friends again, including Harry and Ron. Work had kept her so busy she hardly wrote or visited them much anymore. Especially after the war.

As she walked through the doors in the Great Hall, many former classmates greeted her cheerfully. Ron spotted her first and hurried to make his way over.

"Hermione!" He yelled excitedly.

Hermione jumped in his arms and laughed. "Oh Ron, its been so long!"

"I know Herm, how's work?"

"Dreadful, I could barely make it tonight."

Just then Harry tapped her from behind.

"Oh my lord! Harry! I hardly recognize you anymore!" Hermoine shrieked.

"I'll take that as a compliment," Harry laughed as he gripped Hermoine tighter. "Ron and I thought you weren't going to make it tonight. You're awfully late, the party is almost over."

"I'm sorry, but as I was telling Ron earlier, work has been well...work."

"Any boyfriends?" Ron asked.

"No," Hermoine giggled, "But I'm looking. I've always wanted children to greet me at the door after a hard days work."

Harry nudged Ron in the ribs. _Ask her!_ He mouthed.

"Well than..." Ron began, "If you aren't busy this Saturday. Would you like to"-

But another student at the podium making a speech cut him off; it was Seamus.

"Students!" He announced, "Or classmates I shall add. It's wonderful to see you all again! And as tonight comes to a close, I have a proposal. A few attendees had a wonderful idea to participate in well...a game."

Many people began to chat after his remark.

"Come make a circle around me, and I'll tell you the rules." Seamus seemed very thrilled at his sudden idea.

"Why don't we check it out?" Harry suggested.

"Sure," Ron answered, "You coming Herm?"

"I guess," she said linking arms with Ron.

When the trio had joined everyone in the circle, which had been almost everyone, they gazed at the large glass jar that was centered on top of the Sorting Hat's three-legged stool.

"What do we have here?" A familiar voice asked as he joined the circle.

"Professor Lupin!" Many students shouted.

"Hello," he answered tiredly. "So what game do we have here?"

"It's for previous students only," Seamus answered.

"But I was a previous student once," Remus said sharply.

Many students laughed.

"But I understand what you mean, I'll be leaving now."

"Bye Professor!" The students said again as Professor Lupin walked out of the door behind the staff table.

But they didn't know he had stayed behind it to listen.

"Alright, here's how the game works," Seamus said slyly. "You see that jar in the middle? Gentleman, you put your wand inside it, the magic one," he added, making even more people laugh, "And a female will come and select a wand, and whomever's wand she chooses, well...let's just say she'll be getting some action with him tonight."

"Oh Merlin," Hermone whispered. What had she gotten herself into?

"First," Seamus continued, "If you don't want to play, please step out of the circle."

A few students did because either one, they were married or were in a relationship, or two, the game wasn't very appealing to them. Harry and Ron were shocked to see Hermoine still had remained in the circle.

"Right then," Seamus continued, "I will blindfold all of the women and men, and gentleman, if you wish to play, please hold out your 'spell caster' wand."

Seamus went around a handed everyone a handkerchief to cover his or her eyes with. When Hermoine had hers securely fastened she anxiously wondered who the lucky gentleman was going to be. After all, she deserved some action after all the work she had been put through in the past weeks.

While Seamus was going around collecting, he hadn't noticed someone else stepped into the circle to place his wand in the jar.

When all the wands were collected, Seamus commanded everyone take off their handkerchiefs.

"So...which lucky lady would like to go first?" Seamus asked.

To everyone's amazement, Cho Chang was the first to step out of the circle. "I'll give it a go," she said and she dipped her hand into the jar and shifted it around to find the lucky wand. When she had selected it she pulled it out and raised it in the air.

"That's mine!" Harry said with a smile on his face so huge it looked as if his face was going to rip in half.

Everyone clapped and Harry and Cho walked away looking very anxious.

Next, Pansy Parkinson stepped into the circle, and all of the young men gulped in horror. "Oohhh, who's is this?" She asked holding a wand in the air. Seamus hesitantly raised his hand. "Well alright," she said and she yanked him out of the crowd. Seamus looked as if he were heading on death road.

Next up was Lavender Brown. She chose hers rather quickly and was paired up with Dean Thomas.

It seemed forever the wands were chosen and happy couples walked away excitedly. And soon Ron was hoping Hermone would choose _his _wand.

It came down to three people. Parvati, Hermoine and Ron.

"This isn't fair!" Parvati screamed. "We know the last wand in there is Weasleys."

"Pick a number between nine and ten," Hermoine suggested.

"Okay," Parvati said.

"If you guess closest you can have Ron."

Ron looked very disappointed. He wanted Hermoine.

"Nine."

"Correct. Go on ahead you lovebirds. I'm not much of a party girl anyway...."

Excitedly, Parvati swept Ron away. Ron looked back at Hermoine nervously but she didn't meet his gaze.

Everyone in the Great Hall was gone but her. Why hadn't she gone earlier? That way she could have definitely gotten a partner tonight, but she was always so shy. Maybe that's how her life was; there was no man for her. And she most certainly wouldn't have chosen him out of a jar.

Out of curiosity, she stepped up to the jar. She didn't know why she did it, but she peered inside. To her amazement, there _was_ a wand in there. Cautiously, she lifted it out and studied it.

"I believe Miss Granger, that wand belongs to me." Professor Lupin stated from the corner of the room.


	2. Baby Got Back

Author's Note: Hey ya'll, I know the 1st chapter is a little odd, but as I say in the summary the dreams get worse and worse and funnier and funnier!

**Chapter 2: Baby Got Back**

Hermione darted upright in bed and let out a gasp of shock.

It was a dream. A weird dream if that.

"Mummy?" A little voice asked.

Hermione looked over her bedside at her daughter. "Yes, darling?"

"Can I have some juice?"

"Sure, I'll get you some. But try not to wake up daddy," she whispered motioning over at the sleeping Harry.

Hermione got up with a headache and held her daughter's small hand as they exited the room. _What the hell was that dream about?_ She kept asking herself. For one, that reunion was a week away, and it wasn't the third reunion, it was the fifth. And why was Ron hitting on her when she was married to Harry? And why the bloody hell did she not feel even the slightest bit of jealousy when Cho stole him away?

"Shh," Herm whispered as they passed her son's bedroom, James. Hermione and Harry had two children; James, 6, and Francesca, 4. Plus, she was well into her seventh month of pregnancy with another boy they planned to name Sirius.

James didn't seem to wake up as they passed his open door. Upon arriving into the kitchen, Hermoine opened the fridge and covered her nose at the horrid smell.

"That smells like shit!" Her daughter yelled.

"Francesca Violet Potter!" Hermoine screamed. "Where did you learn that dirty word!"

"Ron." She said it so matter-of –factly it scared Hermoine.

Ron had moved in with Harry and Hermione when James was barely born. His excuse was that Herm needed help with baby James. But weeks turned into months and years, and when Harry was ready to finally give him the 'you gotta move on' speech, Herm announced over dinner she was pregnant with Harry's second baby, giving Ron another excuse to stay. But the Potters had grown used to lovable Ron around and the children couldn't bear to part from their godfather if they threw him out.

"Ron? Uncle Ron taught you that word?" Hermione asked again.

"Yes. He said that to daddy after you bought that new perfume."

Hermoine sighed; did her new perfume really smell like shit?

"Don't worry mummy, I think it makes you smell like a princess. Even though Ron told me Cinderella was a perverted bitch that"-

"Francesca Violet Potter!" Hermoine repeated. She was definitely going to talk to little innocent Ron when he woke up for work in the morning.

"If I hear those words out of your mouth again, I'll put you in time out! Are we clear?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Hermione grabbed Francesca's juice carton and sent her away to away to bed. When she crawled back next to Harry she was relieved he was now awake so she can tell him about her little escapade downstairs.

"Harry love, you have any idea what your daughter has just said?"

"Mummy, can I have some juice?" Harry said mimicking his daughter's sweet voice. "Yeah, so what? She always wants her juice in the middle of the night. Strange, she only does that to interrupt us when were fucking"-

"Harry!" Hermoine shrieked. "Watch your language! Your daughter has just said very rude swear words! And do you know who taught her?"

"Ron?" Harry suggested hoping Hermione wasn't going to blame him.

"How did you know?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"Well you know Ron, he's a potty mouth."

"Have a talk with him," Hermoine said crossing her arms.

"Fine. I'll talk to him after work tomorrow." He leaned over to rub Hermione's belly. "Aw, hello my little Sirius."

"Ron better not take time off work to 'help me' I really don't need help!"

"We need sitters, and you can use some sleep this time around."

"Yeah, I really do, and I need sleep now. Night, love. Night Sirius."

Hermoine turned to her side and closed her eyes. Unaware of how bizarre her next dream was going to be.

She was with Harry and Ron on an empty street. Harry stuck out his wand, and in a flash, the Knight Bus had stopped in front of them.

Stan came out and welcomed them inside. When they were onboard the bus, Hermione noticed Professor Lupin was sitting on one of the beds.

"Hello Remus!" Hermione stated.

"Hello Hermione..." Remus said in a slow sexy voice. "Would you like to sit on daddy's lap?"

"Uh? No thanks....professor." She looked at Harry and Ron but they didn't seem to notice Lupin was there.

She sat with Harry on the bed behind Remus. _Why was Remus talking so funny?_

"Hermione," Remus whispered. He turned around to meet her gaze.

"Yes, Professor?" She asked.

"What would you say if we headed up to the third floor? And share a bed together?"

Hermione immediately looked up at Harry, but Harry seemed lost in his own thoughts. She looked for Ron, but Ron was no longer in sight. "Ron!" She called.

Ron stepped out of the bathroom waving his hand in front of his face. "Damn! That bathroom sucks! The toilet paper is so thin too! When Ernie made that turn back there my fingers went straight up my ass!"

"EW!" Hermione yelled. But it wasn't because of Ron's previous statement, it was because Professor Lupin was now up from the bed he occupied and was dancing around one of the balance poles like a stripper.

Professor Lupin began taking off his cloak and was singing, "I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny! And when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung! Want to pull out stuff cause you know that butt was stuffed!"

"PROFESSOR!" Hermione screamed.

Ron and Harry were laughing at Lupin and singing along. "Oh baby! I wanna get with ya' and take ya' pictcha' my homeboys tried to warn me but that but you got makes me so HORNY!"

To Hermione's dread even Stan and Ern and that incredibly annoying Jamaican head were singing along too. (I love that little head). Hermione always found that song 'Baby Got Back' incredibly annoying.

Professor Lupin already had his shirt off and was undoing his belt. "I see them dancin' the hell with romancing make me sweat! WET! Got it going like a turbo vet! I'm tired of magazines seeing flat butts on them things"-

"STOP!" Hermione demanded as Remus cracked his belt like a whip in front of her.

But Remus kept stripping and everyone kept singing, "SO FELLAS!"

"YEAH!" Everyone yelled.

"FELLAS!"

"YEAH!"

"DOES YOUR GIRLFRIEND GOT THE BUTT?"

"HELL YEAH!"

"TIME TO SHAKE IT!"

"SHAKE IT!"

"SHAKE IT!" Remus sang rubbing his butt against the pole in his black speedo underwear.

"SHAKE IT!"

"Shake that healthy butt! Baby got back!"

And just before Lupin stripped off that little black underwear he was wearing...Hermione woke up with a start again. It was well into morning now. And to her annoyance, Ron was singing along to 'Baby Got Back' downstairs.


	3. What's Going On?

**Author's Note:** I know the story is bizarre so far (hahaha that rhymes!) but hey, I've read stories on this site like 10 times weirder. If many of you had read my other fanfic story 'Epiphany' than you can these 2 stories are completely opposite. But anyways, I was bored and for the many of you that are bored and looking for a good laugh, continue...

**Chapter 3: What's Going On?**

Hermione rushed downstairs to shut Ron up. She found him in the kitchen making scrambled eggs for the family.

"My Anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun! You could do side bends or sit-ups but please don't lose that butt!" Ron sang.

Hermione couldn't stand it anymore.

"STOP!"

"HAMMER TIME!" Ron yelled in response.

Hermione couldn't help but laugh after Ron's statement. "What's with the old school rap?" She asked.

"I dunno," Ron said as he turned over the eggs.

"You know the weirdest thing?" Hermione continued. "Is that I had a dream right now while you were singing that song."

"That tends to happen. Orange Juice?" He offered.

"Yes, please."

"So tell me what the dream was about?"

"Oh that's way too embarrassing!" Hermione blushed.

"Aw, come on!" Ron begged as he handed Hermione her cup of juice.

"Oh, alright, but don't tell Harry."

"This is gonna be good, I can tell." Ron rubbed his hands together and poured the scrambled eggs in a separate dish.

"Well, you and Harry were with me in the Knight Bus. And all of you, were singing that annoying song and pissing me off," she laughed.

"At least we weren't singing, the wheels on the bus go round and round," Ron teased.

"The worst part is Professor Lupin was there, and he started the song in the first place. Then he got up and began stripping to it!"

Ron choked on his orange juice. "Now that's comedy! Was he completely naked?"

"No. I woke up before that."

"You sound disappointed," Ron laughed. "Breakfast is almost done, go back to your bedroom and tell Harry to come down."

Hermione left back upstairs, and forgot completely to confront Ron about last night's events. She could hear Ron continue downstairs, "Some knuckle head tried to diss! Cuz his girls are on my list he had game but he chose to hit 'em and I pulled up quick to get with 'em! So ladies if your butt is round and you want a triple X slow down! Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot and kick them nasty thoughts! Back Got Back!"

Hermione laughed at herself. It was just a stupid dream.

When she entered her bedroom, she could hear Harry brushing his teeth. Hermione walked into the bathroom when Harry was rinsing. To her surprise Harry was wearing a white tank top with his white shirt unbuttoned his tie undone, and...black speedo underwear?

Hermione jumped back in shock.

"Hey! I thought you liked it when I wore these?" He asked her.

"Oh, nothing, it's just..." she rubbed her belly, "the baby is acting up."

"Oh," Harry said buttoning up his shirt. "Did you iron by pants last night?"

"They're by the dresser, love." Hermione stole a kiss as he swept by her.

"If you're not feeling well today than I'm glad Ron is staying home from work."

"Why?" She demanded.

"Well, his boss gave Ron the sack yesterday. He's now unemployed." Harry sighed and put on his round glasses.

"Oh, poor Ron!" Hermione shrieked. "But he seems happy, he's singing and making breakfast."

"Oh, that's because he gets to stay home with James and Francesca."

"And teach them more dirty language?" Hermione rolled her eyes and sat on the bed corner.

"Don't worry, he'll find a job in no time. He was a prefect, remember?"

"How could I forget?" She yawned as Ron made a loud belch from downstairs. "Oh, yes, he said breakfast was done."

"Alright," Harry said as he tied his shoes. "Let's go Hermy...and my little Sirius. By the way Herm, thanks for letting me name this one after my godfather."

"I suggested it in the first place, it was better than your original idea."

"What's wrong with the name Bob?"

At the breakfast table, everyone was eating and talking about the Hogwarts reunion.

"If Malfoy comes," Harry warned, "I'm gonna beat the crap"-

"Harry James Potter!" Hermione yelled. "Don't be a bad influence on the kids."

"Yeah daddy!" Francesca said.

James was chewing with his mouth full and talking to Ron at the same time. "Hey uncle Ron! Let's play video games after breakfast!"

"Don't you boys like anything besides videogames? How about we all read together after breakfast instead?"

"BOO!" James and Ron said.

"There's many things I like," Ron continued, "I like the color orange. I like the Chudley Cannons. I like chess. And...I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE! You other brothers can't deny!"

"Don't start!" Hermione begged covering her ears.

"And Hermione likes Lupin!" Ron laughed.

"DO NOT!" Hermione yelled.

Harry finished his plate and was walking towards the sink. "Oh and Hermione, I saw the newspaper on your side of the bed. Are you looking for a job? Because you know we already talked about this. I want you to stay at home and look after our babies."

"I didn't graduate from Hogwarts with the highest marks and honors to sit on my ass all day and be your housewife!" She yelled.

"Uh oh!" James yelled. "Mummy's mad! She said a bad word!"

"I'm sorry, don't repeat what mummy says," she apologized.

After breakfast and Harry had gone to work, Hermione lost the vote to reading and had to sit on the couch and read to herself while James watched Ron play video games.

"Kill that guy Uncle Ron!" James yelled while Ron was shooting an animated character on the screen.

"What are you playing?" Hermione demanded.

"Vice City," Ron said as his character hopped into a car.

Hermione watched in disgust as Ron's character picked up a hooker in the car and the car began to shake.

"Ron! What are you showing my son!"

"That's how you get more life on the game Hermione," Ron said. "If it makes you feel better I'll change the game."

"Why don't you change your name to dumbass?" Hermione suggested.

"Ooohhh! Mummy said a bad word!" Ron and James said pointing at Hermione.

After a couple of chapters in her book, Hermione began to feel very sleepy. It was a mistake to lay her head down and close her eyes. For she had no idea for the even stranger dream she was about to have.

She was in Professor Lupin's original office sitting behind his desk in his chair. She was humming to herself. Remus emerged into the room with a wicked smile plastered onto his face.

"I was hoping you'd turn up...Miss Granger."

"I was hoping you'd turn up...Remus." Hermione answered. In her dream she felt very attracted to Remus. She stood up from the chair and walked over to him.

Remus stood still as she paced towards him.

Hermione grabbed his cloak and ripped it off his body and began kissing him very heatedly. "Oh Professor! Take me!" She demanded pushing him back-first onto his desk. She crawled on top of him very catlike and began to purr.

Remus grabbed the quill nearest to him and rubbed it along Hermione's cheek.

Hermione giggled. "Oh you beast of a man!"

He continued to tickle her face and watch her giggle.

"Oh, Lupin, Lupin, Lupin, Lupin, Lupin..."

While she was still asleep, James and Ron were laughing to death as they tickled Hermione's face with a quill.

James snorted a bit too loud and woke Hermione up.

"WHY YOU LITTLE TURD PILE!" Hermione yelled at Ron.

"LUPIN! YOU BEAST OF A MAN!" Ron repeated and he laughed hysterically.

"I was sleep talking?" Hermione asked Ron. "Oh God! Ron don't tell Harry!"

"What happened? Did Lupin take off that little black speedo?"

"Shut up!" She yelled.

_Why am I having these perverted stupid senseless dreams?_ Hermione asked herself.


	4. Harry's Guest

**Author's Note:** Sorry Hermione's last dream wasn't too long or that funny, it's because I was preparing for this dream. If you don't laugh I will kill myself! I promise you laughter on the next dream! Which will be on CH5 so you have 2 wait, MUHAHAHA!

Chapter 4: Harry's Guest 

When Harry came home that night from work, he was greeted by his two little Potters running up and hugging his legs. He picked them up and kissed both their cheeks.

"How's my little princess?" He asked Francesca as he kissed her cheeks again.

"And how's my future Quidditch star?" He told James as he ruffled his hair.

"Daddy brought home a friend for dinner!" Harry announced.

Coming through the door was none other than Remus Lupin.

"REMUS!" Francesca and James yelled jumping into Lupin's arms.

Remus often came over to hang out with Harry and the others, and sometimes he'd let Harry's kids spend the night at his small home. Harry's kids loved it there, Remus let them watch anything they wanted on TV, bought them tons of candy and pizza and let them stay up all night. Something Hermione would never let them do.

"We missed you Remus!" James said excitedly.

"Oh, I think I have something in my pocket for you..." Remus teased. Francesca and James shoved their hands in Remus' coat pockets and found lots of chocolate.

"Don't spoil your dinner you two!" Harry laughed as they thanked Remus. "Herms making roast beef tonight."

"Aw, haven't had that forever. I've mostly been eating dog food all week."

"Don't put yourself down, Remus," Harry said as he led Lupin into the kitchen.

"Harry you're home!" Hermione said excitedly. She gasped when she saw Remus.

Ron came to greet Harry too and when he saw Lupin he burst into laughter.

Seeing their strange reactions Remus decided to crack a joke. "What's wrong? Is my fly open?"

Ron only laughed harder. "No, it's just that..."

"Don't mind him," Harry said as he ushered Lupin to the table. "Dinner ready love?"

"Oh so that's why you told me to make a chocolate cake," Hermione said as she stirred the vegetables.

Ron was still laughing when he sat down. "Oh, Remus, I have to tell you something sooooooooooo funny!"

"Don't you dare!" Hermione warned him.

"Oh fine!" Ron laughed. "But anyway, have you been Remus?"

"A bit sore. The last full moon was six days ago."

"Well, Harry just installed a Jacuzzi in the backyard. Those jets are miracle workers! They'll heal you up real nice."

"Damn, I wish I would have known because I could have brought my swimsuit."

"I have an extra swimsuit," Ron said beginning to giggle, "And I'm sure it'll fit you."

Harry turned on the radio and 'Billy Jean' by Michael Jackson came on.

"Oh hell yeah!" Ron cheered as he got up and started dancing.

Remus and Harry began laughing.

"Harry you should have told me Remus was coming," Hermione whispered.

"I wanted to surprise you." Harry said as he walked over to Hermione and began rubbing her belly.

"Haven't you done enough of that?" She asked pointing to her abdomen. "If I recall," she continued mimicking Harry's voice, "Yeah Hermy, I had the vasectomy done this afternoon!"

"I'm sorry all right! Look my Quidditch team needed me to play in the big game the next day and I wasn't going to sit on a broom for hours with a sore groin!"

"Really? And you think I wanted to wake up nauseous every day for nine months over one stupid Quidditch game, Harry Potter!"

Just then, Ron jumped on the new sofa and began freak dancing.

"Ron get off our new sofa! Ron! GET DOWN!" Hermione demanded.

"I am getting down!" Ron yelled sarcastically as he did the moonwalk. "Come on Moony! Moon walk with me!"

"No thank you," Remus laughed as Ron finally jumped off the sofa.

"So, any lady friends lately, Remus?" Ron asked in the middle of dinner.

"No, but I think I've been in heat or something, I probably have puppies running around the forests of England and I don't even know it."

Everyone laughed at Remus' sarcasm, except James and Francesca who were too young to understand.

"How's work?" Remus asked Ron.

"Oh, I got fired."

"What! Whatever for?"

"Too many days off without notice, but no worries, I have connections. Besides, I've officially saved enough money to buy an awesome car to impress the ladies."

"Oh please," Hermione said as she took a sip of tea.

"Hey Remus, guess what?"

"What?" Remus asked.

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!" Ron sang.

"YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY!" Remus continued.

"Shut up before I slap that moustache off your face!" Hermione laughed.

Ron and Remus were laughing at Hermione's playfulness.

Ron snorted into his pudding. "You see Remus she had a dream you were"-

"RON!" Hermione warned.

After dinner, Harry and Ron jumped into the hot tub with their butterbeers and waited for Remus to come out after he'd changed into his borrowed swimsuit. Hermione was on the edge of the hot tub, she only had her feet inside and her head was buried in another one of her books.

Harry stretched and stared up at the moon, "Hey Ron. It was really nice of you to let Remus borrow a pair of your trunks."

"No problem," Ron snickered.

Remus came outside and Hermione noticed his cheeks were very red as if he were embarrassed. He was shirtless and had a towel wrapped around his waist.

"AUSTIN POWERS!" Ron teased as Remus came nearer.

"Oh please," Remus laughed knowing he had hardly any chest hairs. He began to remove the towel and his cheeks grew even redder.

Hermione's eyes widened in shock as the towel was removed and Remus was wearing a black Speedo.

Ron ducked under the water to laugh and Harry thought nothing of it.

Remus cautiously stepped into the pool quickly. He felt almost completely naked.

"Hey those are mine," Harry said to Ron's ducked head.

"They are um, a little revealing," Remus whispered as he crossed his legs under the water.

Ron finally came up for air but he was still laughing. "Oh Remus you crack me up! Don't you ever get any sun? I mean you're as white as the moon!"

"Oh thanks," Remus blushed as he tried to play along with the others.

"Ron! You're mean! Making him wear that!" Hermione yelled.

Remus shuffled in the pool embarrassingly. "No really, they are pretty comfy."

Hermione rolled her eyes at Ron. "Oh, Ron! You did that on purpose! I knew I should not have told you earlier about my silly dream!"

"What silly dream?" Harry asked.

"Nothing Harry, dear."

They were in the hot tub for almost an hour when Harry finally suggested they go inside.

"Go ahead, you three. I'll stay out here for a while and howl at my moon." Remus said.

"Alright," Ron yawned, "Tell the moon I said 'hi'!"

"Whatever!" Hermione said as she walked in the manor. "Ron you are incurably mean making Remus wear that thing!"

"I was just being funny!" Ron laughed.

"Well it wasn't funny! Cut it out!"

Harry parted them both. "Come on you two, just forget about it. I'm going to get in the shower." And he walked off.

Hermione sat on a big armchair in front of the fire peering outside at the pool. But she noticed Remus wasn't there. _Maybe he decided to come inside after all_. She thought.

"Love! Could you get me a towel?" Harry yelled from down the hall.

"Alright, coming!" She said standing up. Hermione applied a hand to her back as she walked down the hall. She grabbed a few towels and followed the sounds of the shower water.

Abruptly, she walked through the unlocked door and opened the shower curtain to give Harry his towel.

"AAHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed Remus.

Hermione screamed too and accidentally saw Lupin's wanker. "Remus! I am so sorry!" She apologized as she made her way out of the bathroom.

Embarrassment followed her the rest of the way down the hall as she went to the right shower and gave Harry his towels.

That night, Hermione lay in bed unable to sleep. Harry had fallen asleep on Hermione's pregnant mound and was snoozing peacefully. Hermione brushed her hand through Harry's messy hair and laid her head back to sleep. She only prayed she wouldn't have another Lupin-related nightmare. Especially after she'd just seen him completely naked in the shower.

Author's Note: Hey everyone, I'll post the next chapter in a couple of days; but the Lupin naked in the shower part was inspired by a real life event. I rented the movie _Total Eclipse _starring Leonardo DiCaprio and David Thewlis (the actor who plays Lupin). Well there's a part in that movie when Leo and David are fighting after David takes a bath, and it shows David's wiener. (Yes I saw Lupin's wanker) and I must say it was quite impressive...EW, scratch that. I screamed and my little sister was like "OH MY GOD! THAT's LIKE THE FIRST REAL ONE I'VE EVER SEEN!" I was laughing so much. But anyways, Check out the movie though it's pretty good.


	5. TOGA!

**Author's Note:** Poor Hermione, I don't mean to torture her.... but its so damn fun! Anyways, I promise you this dream is going to be hilarious! Even though I re-read it and scared myself. I think I should turn myself into the psycho ward! MUHAHAHA!

**Chapter 5: TOGA!**

Hermione's dream seemed normal and Lupin free. She was walking up the steps to Grimmauld place. When she knocked on the door it took forever for someone to come and answer.

"HERMIONE!" Tonks greeted as she ushered Hermione in the house.

Hermione noticed there was a huge party going on and everyone was draped in white sheets with olive branches around their heads. "Is this a toga party?" Hermione asked Tonks.

"Yuppers! Why aren't you in costume?"

"I had no idea," Hermione yelled over the loud music.

Everyone seemed to be there and having a great time. And to Hermione's surprise Lupin was nowhere in sight. But the strange thing was that Sirius was there.

"Who wants a Mighty Aphrodite?" He asked as he held up two large margaritas.

"SIRIUS! You're alive!" Hermione shrieked.

"Yep! I'm alive and loving it!" He sang. "Hey! Why aren't you in costume?"

"I didn't know this was a toga party," Hermione said.

Sirius tore off one of the curtains nearest to him and threw it around Hermione. "There you are! Now make a name for yourself and PARTAE!"

Hermione draped the curtain around her body and accidently crashed into Dumbledore. "Headmaster?" She asked.

"Nope. I am the almighty ZEUS! MUHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAH" And he raised his arms and lighting bolts struck random places in the house.

Hermione rushed away from him and found Snape bent over at the snack table, he was wearing his usual black and Hermione decided to speak up.

"How are you professor? Enjoying yourself?"

"I'm not your professor! I am the lord of the dark world! HADES! MUHAHAHAHAH!" And he lifted his arms in the air and shot fire out of his mouth like a dragon.

Hermione rushed away from him and desolated herself in a corner. It was one of those times you're in a dream and you know you are.

Okay, this is just a dream, relax...you can do anything you want here... 

She saw Hagrid over the crowd, wearing a red toga, and decided to walk up to him.

Guessing what would happen next, Hermione asked him his character. "Are you supposed to be Zeus, too?"

"Nope! I'm Santa Claus! You hoe hoe hoe! Have you been a good little girl this year?"

"What the hell?" Hermione yelled out loud.

"Did someone call me?" Snape said coming towards them. "I heard the word hell!" And Snape stuck out a hand and flames shot out of his palm.

Hagrid took a big intake of air and his face contorted. "Santa has a present for all of you!" And he made a huge fart.

The flames Snape shot out of his hand made contact with the gas from Hagrid and blew up half the room.

"MARS THE GOD OF WAR HATH DISPLAYED THY ANGER!" Sirius shouted.

When the smoke cleared, neither Hagrid nor Snape were in sight.

"_WAKE UP!"_ Hermione shouted to herself.

Dobby the house elf emerged from the smoke carrying a goblet and a scepter.

"Oh Dobby! How's it going?" Hermione asked.

"My name isn't Dobby! It's Herpes! I mean...HERMES! The messenger god!" And he picked up his scepter and began hitting Hermione with it.

"Ow! Stop that!" She yelled as she ran for cover. But Dobby kept following her and beating her with it.

"DIE YOU BITCH! BLEED!" Dobby screamed as he chased Hermione around the room.

Hermione couldn't run very fast, which was common in most dreams.

"I'll save you!" Ron shouted from across the room.

"Ron?" Hermione asked.

"Nope! JULIUS CAESAR! MUHAHAHA!" And he kicked Dobby all the way across the room. "Take that you overgrown furby!"

"Thank you, Ron – I mean, Caesar."

"Anytime! My beautiful damsel in distress!"

"SHE'S MY DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!" Harry yelled.

"Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Nope. HERCULES! MUHAHAHA!" And he picked up Ron and threw him into the snack table. "Take that pizza boy! MUHAHAHA!"

Hermione now desperately tried to wake herself up.

Colin walked through the door dressed up like some kind of an elf. "What's going on? What's the theme of this party?" He asked.

"MVP bitch!" Sirius yelled.

"Sirius! You told me this was a Lord of the Rings party!" Colin yelled.

Hermione couldn't stand this anymore. It was just too strange. She ran into the nearest room and closed the door. When she turned around she got quite a shock.

Professor Lupin was there completely naked and in a strange standing position.

"REMUS!" Hermione gasped.

"Nope. THE NAKED STATUE OF DAVID! MUHAHAHAHA!" And he ran up towards her but all the sudden the door was locked.

Hermione screamed but she no longer had a voice.

Before she knew it Remus had grabbed her, and Hermione melted for his touch. He placed warm kisses on her face.

"Oh..." Hermione moaned.

And she began to have strange urging sensations for him.

Remus picked her up and led her to the empty bed.

Just then Sirius busted the door open and screamed.

"REMUS!" He cried. "How could you?!!"

"SIRIUS!" Remus apologized. "My love come back I can explain!"

"I thought we had something you BITCH!" And he took off one of his sandals and threw it at Lupin's face.

"Sirius! My Siri Poo! Come back!"

Sirius cried down the hall and yelled. "I'm going to kill myself!"

"DID SOMEONE SAY KILL!" Snape yelled shooting flames from his hands and mouth. "Come here Black! I'll help you with that! MUHAHAHA!"

Hermione ran out of the room after Sirius and Remus. She rushed out the front door and saw naked Remus chasing Sirius down the street.

"HIT ME!" Sirius yelled as he stuck out his wand for the Knight Bus to come and run him over.

"NO!" Hermione yelled.

The Knight Bus did come but stopped in front of Sirius.

"RUN ME OVER DAMN IT!" Sirius demanded.

Stan came out of the bus and explained. "It's against our insurance policy, Sir."

"FUCK YOUR INSURANCE POLICY! KILL ME!"

Remus caught up to Sirius and hugged him. "Come on Siri, let's go back home now!"

"NO!" Sirius cried. "RUN ME OVER ALREADY!"

Ernie rolled his eyes, "Come on Stan just let me run him over! Anything to make him shut up!"

"No," Stan said. "I'm not losin' me job jus' cuz this fella ain't movin!"

"FINE!" Ernie yelled. And Ernie got up from his seat and ripped off the little Jamaican head from the bus corner.

"NO!" Stan yelled. "Not our marijuana scented air freshener!"

"YES! Either I'll throw this annoying little piece of crap at that dude's head and kill him or you let me run him over!"

(Alfonso Cuaron the proud yet strange and annoying director of the third Harry Potter film runs into dream)

"What's wrong with my idea? I thought the talking head was a good addition?"

"Shut up!" Ernie yelled.

"No, Mr. Alfonso Cuaron. But it was nice of you to let Sirius and I kiss in the movie. Otherwise we would have never found our true love for each other!" Remus giggled.

"Yeah!" Sirius yelled at Alfonso. "That stupid talking head was in the movie more than I was!"

(Bus pulls forward and runs over Alfonso's head)

"ADIOS!" Everyone yells.

Snape runs outside and picks up Alfonso's dead body. "MUHAHAHA! I've been waiting for you for a long time! You could take out the part in the book with Sir Cadogan, but yet you put in the part with me in the dress! BURN! MUHAHAHA!"

(Takes away Alfonso's dead body)

"What the heck was that about?" Remus asked.

"Oh who cares? KILL ME ALREADY!" Sirius demanded.

(Ernie throws the Jamaican head at Sirius and kills him)

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Hermione and Remus yell.

"WHAT'S WRONG!" Harry demanded as he jumped out of bed.

Hermione darted upright. "Oh...it was just a dream."

"Don't scare me like that!" Harry breathed.

"Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah?"

"Who's Alfonso Cuaron?"


	6. BE OUR GUEST!

**Author's Note:** Believe it or not the dreams just keep on getting scarier. Oh and Alfonso, no hard feelings. (Prays Chris Columbus comes back to direct the movies) anyways, here is the sixth scary strange chapter, with special guest...

**Chapter 6: BE OUR GUEST!**

The next morning Hermione was dreading falling back asleep. Would she have another strange perverted dream?

"What's wrong 'Mione?" Ron asked.

Hermione wouldn't dare tell Ron this dream. "Nothing Ron. I just miss Harry that's all."

"He's only at work," Ron laughed.

Hermione ignored him and rubbed her pregnant belly. She remembered reading that pregnant women often had 'wet' dreams. But shouldn't they be with Harry and not Lupin?

"I had another dream." Hermione said.

"About Lupin?" Ron guessed.

"Yes! Why the hell am I having dreams about him?"

"I dunno. Have you been thinking about him lately?"

"No, not at all. But why do I keep having strange senseless stupid dreams!"

"Maybe it's because you are sexually frustrated?"

"Wow Ron, you may be right."

"When was the last time Harry fucked you?"

"Ron! That's personal!"

"That long?" Ron laughed.

"Well...no..." Hermione blushed.

"Hey, if it'll help get rid of these strange dreams, then I'll take the kids to play miniature golf tonight. That way you and Harry could have alone time."

"Will you, please?" Hermione begged.

"Sure, no problem. Just don't tell Harry our plan."

"Deal. Oh and Ron, did you really give Lupin that Speedo to be mean!"

"Yeah!" Ron laughed. "Hey Hermione, did you really see him naked in the shower?"

"How the hell did you find out?" Hermione demanded.

"He told me!" Ron laughed unable to breathe.

Hermione got up from the table to make tea.

"So tell me Herm," Ron giggled, "Was it...impressive?"

"Ron! What's with men comparing their wankers!?"

"Men, are competitive, so tell me? Big, small?"

"Are you gay, Ron?" Hermione laughed. "Why would you want to know how big his wanker is?"

Ron smiled evilly. "Just to know."

"Okay, it was...normal I guess."

"How normal?"

"For God's sake Ron! I've only seen Harry's! And its not like I gawked at Lupin!"

"How normal?" Ron asked again as he began to laugh.

"NORMAL! I don't know! It was a quick glimpse damn't!"

"Bigger than Harry's?"

Hermione just walked out of the room leaving a laughing Ron in the kitchen.

"Annoying little bugger, isn't he Sirius?" She asked her pregnant mound as she walked upstairs. "Oh wait," she whispered. "RON!"

"Yeah?" Ron asked from the kitchen.

"I'm going to take a nap! Come monitor me and see if I act strange!"

Ron wasted no time to come up to Harry and Hermione's bedroom.

"Okay Ron, if I begin to sleep talk or make any strange gestures, just wake me up."

"And this is supposed to help by?"

"By making sure that if I have another embarrassing dream that I'm not yelling it aloud for Harry to hear."

"Good deal. Go on sleep, I'll watch over you."

"Thanks."

But Hermione didn't know that hiring Ron for such a sensitive job was a bad idea.

"MUMMY!" Francesca yelled as she ran into the bedroom.

"What dear?" Hermione asked as she lay down.

"Can we watch this?" Francesca asked anxiously as she held up a movie.

"Beauty and the Beast? All right. Ron, put this on for her."

Ron took the DVD from Francesca and stuffed it in the player. While the DVD was playing, Francesca was sitting on Ron's lap while Ron kept checking to see if Hermione had fallen asleep. And one time he peered over, she was snoozing away.

Hermione was in the Great Hall with everyone. By that everyone including, Fudge, Viktor Krum, Rita Skeeter, the Dursleys, the three headed dog and yes, even the annoying talking Jamaican head was there!

"What is this?" Hermione asked Harry.

"It's the reunion Hermione!"

"But why is _everyone _here?" She gasped when she noticed Lupin was there too.

Just then Snape walked up to Harry and Hermione and Hermione ducked behind her husband. "Um hello, Hades?"

"Hades?" Snape asked. And he walked away confused.

Dobby came up to Harry and gave him a big hug.

"Oh my God don't hit me!" Hermione yelled shielding herself.

"Why would I do that Miss?" Dobby said sadly as he gave Hermione a hug too.

(Somewhere in Scotland...)

JK Rowling sits at her computer reading peoples fan fictions. She decides to read something funny and finds my story.

"Hermione's Crazy Dreams?" She asks herself.

JK clicks on my story and reads.

"Why oh why do these sad lonely children ruin my book characters!" She yells out loud.

Her very scared shocked husband comes into her office. "What's wrong?" He asks.

"Look at what this strange person wrote about my book characters!" She yells pointing at the screen. "Remus Lupin is a kind consoling man. Not a stripper! And why the heck is Hagrid utterly convinced he's Santa Claus?"

"There, there, now," JK's husband says as he pulls up a chair. "They are just having a bit of fun!"

JK shakes her fist at screen. "I am going to leave a rude review on her email!"

And she types an evil review.

MrsThewlisRadcliffe is typing her strange story and receives an email. "OH A REVIEW!" I say happily and I open it up.

_Hey mrsThewlisRadcliffe person! You're story sucks! _

_Love JK Rowling_

"JK...wrote to me?" I say beginning to cry. "JK ROWLING! MY IDOL MY LORD AND SAVIOR!" I begin to cry insanely. "Oh, wait! She thinks it sucks? I'll make her see it my way."

I respond to JK's email: Thanks for your review! Count to five!

JK and her husband look at each other in confusion and count to five.

POOF!

They are in the Great Hall.

"OH MY GOD!" JK Rowling screams. "Where are we?" She asks her husband.

"Welcome! Welcome! To Hogwarts!" Dumbledore announces.

Author of this stupid story: Shoots Michael Gambon in head and revises Richard Harris and makes him Dumbledore instead.

"I believe ma'am you are at Hogwarts School," says the original Dumbledore.

Author of this stupid story: Aww, much better!

JK Rowling looks around herself confused.

Author of this stupid story: "Mrs. Rowling, I believe I put you at Hogwarts and added you to my dumb story!"

Everyone looks up at ceiling at the sound of my voice and screams.

"Are you GOD?" Snape asks me.

Author of this stupid story: "NO! YOU IDIOT! I'm the author of this stupid story!"

"Her name is Mrs. Murray!" Her husband interrupts.

Author of this stupid story: "Oh damn't you came too? Hey dude? Don't you have a name? So I can stop calling you 'JK Rowling's husband'?

"Yes, my name is Neil Murray. Dr. Neil Murray."

Author of this stupid story: "Alright, Dr. Murray. Make yourself at home and shut up while I narrate!"

Mr. Murray: "Okay! But hurry up I'm late for my eyebrow waxing appointment!"

Author of this stupid story: "OKAY! Keep your shirt on, here it goes!"

JK Rowling looks up at the ceiling and yells to me. "Hey! Who's going to baby sit my kids?"

Author of this stupid story: (Puts the three headed dog and five dragons in front of her house and sticks Professor McGonagall in charge of babysitting) "There! Happy?"

Harry, Ron and Hermione run up to JK Rowling and 'Dr.Murray'.

"Come have a seat!" Harry yells and leads Joanne and Neil to a seat to a new table I added in the Great Hall smack dab in the middle.

Author of this stupid story: (Gives JK Rowling a marvelous plate filled with food)

"Where's my food?" Her husband asks.

Author of this stupid story: "Oh, I forgot about you?"

"Do I still get food?" He asks again annoyed.

Author of this stupid story: "No, because I don't like you."

"Why don't you like me?" Dr. Murray asks.

Author of this stupid story: "Because you freaking got JK Rowling pregnant! And because of the kid she didn't do a tour for the fifth book! She would have come to the United States and done a book signing and I could have gone to see her...but no...you knocked her up and she had to stay at home and take care of your baby...while I freaking wait until the sixth book tour to meet her! SATISFIED!"

The Great Hall is quiet.

Author of this stupid story: "Sorry, everyone, continue..."

Harry goes up to JK and gets down on his knees and begs. "PLEASE! Bring Sirius back from the dead!"

JK Rowling looks at him with pity. "I'm sorry Harry, but I can't."

Harry looks at her puzzled. "Oh well, couldn't hurt to try."

Harry gets up on the table JK and Dr.Murray are sitting at and begins to sing.

Author of this stupid story: "Oh yeah! I forgot this was Hermione's dream!"

While Francesca and Ron are watching Beauty and the Beast, the music seeps into Hermione's brain...

Harry to JK Rowling: "Bonjour mademoiselle, it is with deepest pride and with greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight. And now we invite you to relax let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner!"

Food pops up on everyone's plates (yes even Dr. Murray's)

Harry starts singing, "Be – Our – Guest! Be our guest, put our service to the test! Tie your napkin around your neck Sherrie and we provide the rest! Soup de' Jour, Hot le' Flour? Why we only live to serve! Try the gray stuff it's delicious! Don't believe me ask the dishes! They can sing they can dance after all Miss; this is Hogwarts (yes, I changed that one lyric)!

Ron: "And our dinner here is never second best! Come on and fold your menu take a glance and then you'll be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!"

Author of this stupid story: Takes a breather, and rewinds her Beauty and the Beast tape to make sure every word of that stupid song is correct.

Everyone in the Great Hall: Raises their drinking goblets and sings, "Beef something...something...something... (can't understand French damn't).

Harry: "You're alone and you're scared, but the banquets all prepared! No one's gloomy or complaining while the flat wears entertaining! We tell jokes I do tricks with my bold candlesticks!"

Everyone in the Great Hall: "With the unique perfect taste that you can bear! Come on and lift your glass you've won your own free pass to be our guest, if you're stressed it's fine dining we suggest! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST!"

Author of this stupid story: Shines a blue spot light on Ron.

Ron: Life is so unnerving, for a servant who's not serving, he's not whole without a soul to wait upon. Oh, those good old days when we were useful, suddenly those good old days are gone...TEN years we've been rusting needing so much more than dusting! Needing exercise a chance to use our skins! Most days we just lay around the castle. Why be fat and lazy you walked in and oopsey daisy!"

Author of this stupid story: Makes the blue spotlight go away and lights up great Hall again! MUHAHAHAHA!

Hermione: It's a guest! It's a guest! Thanks a lot and I'll be blessed! Wines been poured and thank the lord I've had the napkins freshly pressed! With that soup, she'll want tea, and my dear, that's fine with me! While the cups are doing their shooing I'll be bubbling I'll be brewing! I'll get hot...heaven's sakes is that a spot? Clean it up! With all the company impressed! We've got a lot to do for you our guest!

Teachers: She's our Guest!

Hermione: She's our guest!

Teachers: Jump on staff table and hold hands and start dancing, "She's our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Our guest will be so impressed! It's been years since we've had anybody here and we're obsessed! With our meals and our wheels yes ma'am we aim to please! With the candlelights still glowing! While the blah blah (damn volume!)

Ron: (Grabs sorting hat and puts it on and starts doing the moon walk) Course by course! One by one! Till you shout! Without a doubt!"

Everyone: Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST!

BE OUR GUEST!

Everyone puts their wand in the air and shoots off sparks and runs around Great Hall screaming and shouting and some people take off their clothes and scream and others start freak dancing. Hagrid and Filch are flying in circles. Buck Beak is eating Malfoy's head. Trelawney is juggling crystal balls. Snape is rubbing his butt in Goyle's face. Crabbe is doing twenty back flips in a row. Colin is taking pictures of Ginny Weasley as she flashes everyone. Fred and George are getting high. Dumbledore is farting. The flying Ford Anglia crashes into the Great Hall and kills all the Slytherins. Chris Columbus comes in and pops open a cold one. The Whomping Willow starts walking towards the Great Hall to have some fun. Peter Pettigrew rubs his legs in Voldemorts face. Lucius Malfoy is riding a bike. Crookshanks is fucking Mrs. Norris. Fudge starts doing jumping jacks. Viktor Krum is puts on a bra. Fluer is giving Karkaroff a piggyback ride.

Hedwig comes and rips out Mad-Eye-Moody's magical eyeball. Gilderoy Lockhart is signing autographs on people's butts. The basilisk comes and rips off all of the Hufflepuff's heads. Seamus is peeing on the wall. Dean is driving a monster truck over the dead Hufflepuffs. Neville is riding the basilisks screaming, "Yee Hah!" The blue Cornish pixies are throwing turds at people. Mr. And Mrs. Weasley are on their knees and barking at people like dogs. Percy is pouring mustard down his shirt. Professor Quirell is chocking Professor Umbridge with his turban. The ghosts are flying through people and saying cuss words. Flitwick is wearing a dress and doing a merry little jig. Madam Rosmerta is skipping and playing the flute.

And all of the house elves, including Dobby and Professor Lupin in the black Speedo are chasing around Hermione and hitting her with scepters screaming "DIE BITCH DIE!"

Then the Knight Bus drives in and blasts Linkin Park's 'Breaking the Habit!' song really loud breaking all the windows and the bus crushes all the Ravenclaws.

Then the Terminator comes and gets a bazooka and blows off the ceiling.

And the band AFI comes in and starts singing, 'The Leaving Song Pt.2'

Alfonso Cuaron comes in, "Why couldn't they sing something wicked this way comes?"

Author of this stupid story: "I thought I killed you Cuaron!" (Makes Alfonso a human piñata and the house elves stop hitting Hermione and start hitting him instead)

Lupin transforms into a werewolf and howls. Then the author of this stupid story changes Alfonso Cuaron back into a human, and Lupin bites off his head.

And all this time JK Rowling and her husband are praying they'd live to see their children again.

Author of this stupid story: "EVERYONE STOP!"

Everyone stops.

Author of this stupid story: "Had enough JK Rowling?"

JK Rowling stands up. "Are you nuts? Did you know I was pregnant with my third baby!"

Everyone including myself gasps.

Author of this stupid story: "Oh yeah, I forgot!"

Madam Pomfrey comes into Great Hall and gives JK Rowling's husband a vasectomy.

Everyone cheers.

Author of this stupid story: "Sorry, JK Rowling, here I'm putting you back safe and sound."

POOF!

JK Rowing is back at her computer with her husband by her side. "Neil?" She asks her husband.

"Yes?" He asks as he complains about his sore groin.

"What the hell was that all about?"

JK Rowling types a new review for my story.

I open the email and read: Excellent story! _Love Jo Rowling_

Author of this stupid story: (Begins to cry of happiness)

Hermione woke up screaming and Ron looked at her wide-eyed.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

Hermione picked up the phone and called Harry at work.

"Potter," said Harry.

"Harry! Come home now and FUCK ME! That's an order!"

And she hung up.


	7. The REAL Reunion

**Author's Note:** SORRY! I just started school and I haven't been in the mood to type crazy insane crap! But I didn't 4get to update because I love you (and your reviews, thanx especially to lollilover!) Sorry for putting you all through that scary nonsense! I don't mean to! And I'm sorry to JK Rowling and her hubby for putting you through that terrifying experience. I apologize for taking so long to update peoples! It's hard to type when you're wearing a straight jacket! By the way, my little sister is still in shock with seeing her first penis, aw wouldn't you be in shock if you saw Lupin's wanker too? LOL! WRITE MORE REVIEWS! I LOVE Y'ALL!

Chapter 7: The REAL Reunion 

Well the week passed by fairly quickly and it was time for the BIG reunion. (Dramatic music).

Hermione hadn't had any absurd dreams since that one crazy escapade dream in the Great Hall.

When Harry, Ron, Hermione and her two children stepped inside they gasped at the beautiful decorations.

The Great Hall was covered in wonderful decors and colorful lights. They had a number of snack tables filled with delicious treats. And the tables were labeled were everyone was assigned to sit. All of the previous students wore name badges and had a card on the table were they were assigned to sit.

All of the previous teachers were there, even the new ones that hadn't taught when the trio attended Hogwarts.

"HERMIONE?!" Lavender shrieked running up to greet her. "Oh Herm, look how much you've changed! Aw, are these your little ones?" She said in a high sweet voice. Lavender pointed to James and giggled, "Aw, your little boy looks just like his father! Oh, and your daughter is just so darling!"

James and Francesca smiled, since they were warned earlier that this behavior from mummy and daddy's old friends was bound to happen.

While Hermione was talking to Lavender, Harry was catching up with Neville, Seamus and Dean.

And Ron was off to talk to Remus and spill the beans on Hermione's dream.

When he finished telling Remus the only dream Hermione had told him, Remus was laughing to death. "Me? A stripper?"

Ron laughed hysterically, "Yeah! Insane right! HAHAHAHA!"

Professor Snape walked up to both Remus and Ron and demanded to know what was so funny.

"Professor Snape!" Ron said covering his mouth with his hand. "Oh my God! You've gotten SO fat!"

Snape sneered and looked at Ron as if he wanted to slap the shit out of him.

"Thank you, Weasley." Snape whispered with a hint of sarcasm. "You seem you're usual annoying self."

"Damn proud of it!" Ron said in a high annoying voice. He got up on the podium to make an announcement. He turned to Snape and said, "Me and a few students had this idea put together for the longest time."

He turned on the microphone and announced. "Okay people's! You know what to do!"

A few students ran up to where Ron was stationed.

Dean: "At graduation we think about everything that's happened in the past four years."

Seamus: "I think I'm really going to miss my friends."

Ginny: "I'm gonna cry my eyes out on my graduation day."

Lavender: "We've been best friends for four years."

Parvati: "Best friends since first year."

Ron: Sings; "So we talked all night about the rest of our lives, where were gonna be when we turned 25, I keep thinking times will never change and I keep on thinking things will always be the same. We will leave this year and we won't be coming back. No more hanging out cause will all be on a different track. And if you got something that you need to say you better say it right now cause you don't have another day! Cause were moving on and we can't slow down, these memories are playing like a film without sound and I keep thinking of that night in June I didn't know about your love but it came too soon. And there was me and you and when we got real blue we stayed at home talking on the telephone and we would get so excited and we would get so scared, laughing at ourselves cause we think life's not fair! And this is how it feels..."

Everyone: "As we go on we remember... all the times we had together! As our lives change from whatever we will still be friends forever!"

Hermione closed her eyes and shook her head, "Oh great I know this song...Ron you are pathetic!"

As Ron and everyone sang for the next three minutes everyone clapped when they were through and sat down to eat what they retrieved from the snack bar.

Then Dumbledore got up there to make his speech and as his old boring voice droned on everyone was practically falling asleep. Including, Hermione.

**(And it's up to Ron to get the party started)**

Ron walks over to snack table. Next to him is Pansy Parkinson who sees her favorite food and shouts, "Oh my God!"

This sparks a song to Ron's head; thus beginning the strangest most absurd thing I've ever written, and I guarantee you will ever lay eyes on.

Ron: Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.  
It is so big. scoff She looks like,   
one of those rap guys' girlfriends.  
But, y'know, who understands those rap guys? scoff  
They only talk to her, because,  
she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?  
I mean, her butt, is just so big. scoff  
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,  
out there, I mean - gross. Look!  
She's just so ... black!

The DJ at the front of the Great Hall starts 'Baby Got Back'.

Everyone cheers and commits the most insane acts in the history of man, woman, children, animals, muggles and wizards.

**Harry:** Wipes his ass with Bill Clinton's new book.

**Ron:** Rubs his BUSH in John Kerry's face.

**Hermione:** Gets on her knees and wonders what she did to deserve this.

**Draco:** Gets on a pink tricycle and starts his hair on fire.

**Lucius:** Gets on a horse and puts on a cowboy hat and starts singing, "Back in the Saddle Again!"

**Fudge:** Busts dance moves from 'You Got Served'

**Karkaroff:** Starts rubbing against little boys

**Voldemort:** Takes off his robe to show off his new thong, SpongeBob bra, net pantyhose and nipple rings.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Changes into a rat and crawls into Voldemort's thong for a snack.

**Percy:** Changes his name to pussy instead and cuts off his wiener.

**Fred:** Swings on a rope and kicks people's heads as he passes them.

**George:** Gets on a tire swing and pours acid on peoples heads and then accidentally falls into a pool of his own acid and melts away.

**Ginny**: Changes her name to VAGINEY.

**Bill:** Dresses up like an Indian and shoots people with arrows and then drinks their blood.

**Charlie:** Cuts off Bill's ponytail and shoves it up his own ass.

**Arthur Weasley:** Dresses up as the purple Teletubby.

**Molly Weasley:** Starts trying to screw the antennae on top of Arthur's head.

**Aunt Petunia:** She allows the Slytherins to play horseshoes using her long neck.

**Uncle Vernon:** Gets naked and jiggles his fat everywhere.

**Dudley:** Grabs a surfboard and starts riding Vernon's waves.

**Aunt Marge:** Makes a huge fart and deflates.

**Dobby:** Picks up a scepter and chases Hermione around beating her with it.

**Winky:** Runs away from a VERY horny Kreacher.

**Kreacher:** Chases around Winky with his winky hanging out.

**Tonks:** Changes her hair from, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, black, brown, silver, gold, fuschia, magenta, scarlet, piss yellow, dirty blonde, pewter, and white. Announces she is a lesbian and changes her hair to all colors of the rainbow with a huge bald spot on the middle of her head.

**Mad-Eye-Moody:** Looks through everyone's clothes with his magic eye.

**Hedwig:** Returns to mutilate Mad-Eyes Eye again!

**PIG: ** Gets caught and eaten by Mrs. Norris.

**Mrs. Norris**: Sniffs Crookshank's ginger furry ass.

**Crookshanks:** Turns around and fucks Mrs. Norris again, again, and again before discovering Mrs. Norris is plenty big because of Filches previous rapes.

**Filch:** Skateboards on his hands screaming, "I love cat pussy!"

**Hagrid:** Dresses up as Santa and delivers lubricant and vibrators to everyone.

**Snape:** Gets on roller blades and wears a really short pink skirt and delivers people milkshakes and cheeseburgers.

**Lupin:** Takes off all of his clothes until he is his black Speedo underwear and pulls it down while pouring whip cream all over his body and private part. (Wink)

**McGonagall:** Coughs up one of Snape's hair**balls**.

**Lockhart:** Autograph's his penis.

**Dumbledore:** Makes a rainbow and smiles.

**Trelawney:** Puts on a pink see-through gown and goes bowling with her crystal balls.

**Flitwick:** Pierces his butt cheeks together and starts dancing around a bonfire.

**Madam Pince:** Announces the new porn collection in the Hogwarts library.

**Professor Sprout:** Grows a giant marijuana plant and begins to smoke it.

**Quirrel:** Put's a plastic bag over his head and replicates a giant condom.

**Olivander:** Rides the rainbow Dumbledore made and screams, "Taste the rainbow!" and starts throwing skittles at people's heads.

**Viktor Krum:** "Must make pee pees!" Pees all over floor. "Ah!" he moans.

**Fleur:** Starts French kissing Viktor's crotch.

**Tom the Hunchback Innkeeper: **Rings Lupin's balls.

**Stan:** Does the splits and attempts to shove a silly straw up his pee-hole.

**Ern:** Drinks a bottle of Jack Daniel's and storms off to drive the Knight Bus.

**The talking Jamaican head:** Screams in pain as students attempt to smoke it.

**The Dementors:** Suck out everyone's virginity.

**The Cornish Pixies:** Pick up people and fly them to the top of the great hall where they get dropped to the floor to die in a puddle of guts and blood.

**Seamus:** Gets a flashlight and stares at the light until he goes blind.

**Dean:** Get's shot in the butt with one of Bill's arrows and is utterly convinced he's started his period.

**Neville:** Tries to catch a glimpse up Snape's pink skirt.

**Neville's Grandma:** Starts knitting a penis cozy for...

**Buck Beak:** Flys around and urinates in people's drinks.

**The Three Headed Dog:** Begins to lick itself with all three heads and moans.

**Norbert:** Turns Snape into Barbeque chicken.

**Harry's Broom:** Chases around all the pretty girls trying to impregnate them.

**Spiderman:** Flies around trying to save the day!

**Aragog:** Catches Spiderman in his even bigger web and eats him.

**Alfonso Cuaron:** "Me llamo es Alfonso Cuaron! I might come back to direct the fifth Potter film!"

**Author of this stupid story:** "I thought I fucking killed you twice Cuaron!"

Everyone screams and starts chasing Alfonso with Pitchfork's, knives, flaming arrows, Japanese throwing stars, police batons, swords, snakes and anthrax. They catch Alfonso and beat him with swordfish, then they start him on fire and pick him up by his wild hair and twirl him in circles, then they tie him up on the train tracks of the Hogwarts Express to get run-over. After the train runs him over, they put him in a plate of blue jello and then my Chow-Chow dog; Shadow comes and mutilates the remainders of Alfonso's body. And after my dog craps him out, everyone buries him alive with snakes, dirt, rocks, gravel, tile, concrete, coconuts and more dirt. They plant dynamite and blow up the ground then they flood the hole with freezing water and then throw in a blow-dryer to fry him in the water, and then everyone dances around the water like maniacs chanting death spells before throwing Piranha's in the water and 500 sharks, 900 jellyfish, and the giant squid. Then they drain the water and fill it with lava and boulders. Then the author of this stupid story runs out of ideas but insures you Alfonso is dead.

Everyone that stayed behind in the Great Hall is still acting wild, including Hagrid.

"SANTA!" James and Francesca yell to Hagrid.

"That's right! HOHOHO!"

A random owl drops a giant box off to Hagrid.

"Oh! A present for me?" Hagrid asks shaking the box. "I wonder what it is!"

"A dildo for you?" Ron says.

Hermione: "OH MY GOD!"

Ron: "Becky look at her butt it is so big!"

Everyone: "SHUT UP!"

"Hermione? Hermione? Hermione!" Harry says trying to shake Hermione awake while Dumbledore continues his dull speech.

Hermione: Wakes up and screams, "Harry! I think I'm having the baby!"

**Author's Note:** I MUST GET 5 REVIEWS FROM 5 DIFFERENT REVIWERS IF YOU WANT ME TO UPDATE! EMAIL YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, PETS, INVISIBLE FRIENDS AND PREFFER MY STORY! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm not bitching with you guys, I just want to see if this actually works. LOL


	8. The Birth of Baby Sirius awww

**Author's Note:** Congrats you guys! I got the 5 reviews I asked for. THANK YOU! School sucks as usual, but I'm trying to update as much as possible! Okay, maybe the last chapter was a little sex crazy, but this chapter is less funny...or not? Well I'm sorry to say that this is the LAST chapter. But I am writing a new story called **"The Memory of a Marauder"** Look for it in about a week. I guarantee that if you liked this story you'll like the other one as well. Anyways continue...

**Chapter 8: The Birth of Baby Sirius awwww**

Harry was prancing back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth...(U get the point!)

Waiting for the arrival of his second son.

Ron was eating Cheeto Puffs and licking the orange residue off his fingers while he watched Harry wander around in circles. (I'm actually eating Cheeto Puffs as I type!)

"Chin up mate!" Ron suggested. "She'll be done in a minute, and Madam Pomfrey will let you in."

No sooner had Ron spoken, than they both heard baby cries from inside the hospital wing. Harry rushed inside.

Hermione was proudly holding a little bundle of love and joy, for Harry to see. "Look Harry, isn't he precious?"

Harry bent over to get a closer look. "Aw, Herm...he's so adorable. Hello my little Sirius."

Sirius made an adorable yawn, and cuddled closer into Hermione.

Harry kissed Hermione's forehead and smiled. "Thank you," he whispered.

Later into the night when Hermione had fed baby Sirius and his two older siblings had already come to see him; she fell asleep.

She wondered if she were to have another dream...

Hermione had a normal Lupin-free dream, and her dream was harmless. It seemed as if the presence of baby Sirius had been causing all the dreams. (You guessed right 'Desolation Lily')

And she never had another dream as strange as those before ever again.

But someone else will have strange perverted dreams of Lupin in a black Speedo....

Author of this stupid story: Guess who's dream this is (guess now!), and if you guess right give yourself a hug!

(Somewhere in Scotland...)

JK Rowling jumps up in her bed after having a strange senseless stupid perverted dream.

"What's wrong, love?" Her husband asked as he woke up beside her.

"Oh nothing Neil, I think it's the baby."


End file.
